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The dynamics in a family as a black sheep is expansive. What it comes down to is the black sheep does not fit the mold of the family. We can seem outspoken and mouthy but what is actually happening is we are exposing the dysfunction of the family. While the black sheep is often on the outside with family, if you had a sibling, they were likely the golden child. There is a sharp contrast between these dynamics.

The golden child can have two developmental personalities. They connect with the parent(s), they are seen as the best and most wonderful child by the family. The golden child can do no wrong and gets the best of everything. They are high achievers which is understandable considering they are adorned and highly praised by family. Showered with privileges, affection, attention, gifts, and praises they grow up feeling a good connection to family. Even the most minor achievements are celebrated, misbehaviours or defiant attitude are brushed off or ignored. Failures are dismissed or blamed on the scapegoat or black sheep. Because they are high achievers, and they learn subtle cues from the parent which results with the golden child thinking and acting superior, condescending, smarter, or better than others. You cannot win an argument with them…ever.

The other side of the golden child’s personality is also from the dysfunction of the family and feeling like they had to be the best because of the expectations of the family. They are chosen by the parents as a replacement for their parent’s own achievements. The parent lives vicariously through the child and the child is expected to bring status or pride to the family. They also have people pleasing behaviours because they recognize the distinct tie to their ability to be what their parents want them to be. Both the golden child and black sheep have an ingrained fear of failure and guilt. They have conflicted loyalties that drive the need to please their parent and in some cases are asked to “talk” or discipline other siblings. While the black sheep is also expected to take on a parenting role, they end up being gaslighted and told they are doing it wrong or blamed for causing issues.

The black sheep is labeled the most difficult person in the family. We are usually criticized for being too sensitive, made fun of or mocked, felt alone, or disconnected to parent(s) growing up and was not interested in family traditions or ways. The lack of interest is a result of seeing this dysfunction and taking on too much of the family’s emotional baggage. Families that don’t want to address deeper issues will project those issues onto the black sheep. When the black sheep finds something they are good at, their accomplishments are insignificant.

I was gaslighted for many things my whole life by my mother. I was told I was selfish when I spoke up for myself and said what I thought, and it was constantly insinuated that I wasn’t smart, intelligent or couldn’t understand emotional issues. I was constantly reminded that “I” was the problem, “There you go again, you’re overreacting, your so rude and disrespectful, you can’t be trusted”….etc. And this began after my dad passed away.

I recall once when I told my mother I had a learning disability (before my spiritual path). I told her I was assessed by professionals in the education system and by a program through Employment Insurance. It was empowering to me to have that acknowledgement because it said to me I was able to get good grades in education. It was my way of saying I am not dumb, and this is why I had issues with grades in high school. It was an acknowledgement of my own intelligence. My grades went from 30’s 40’s to 90’s.

I told her about my learning disability and her response was “I think it’s just something someone told you and it’s in your head, you believe them.” So I basically wasn’t capable of seeing through other people’s bullshit or if someone was influencing my own thoughts. Yet my friends saw me as wise, knowledgeable, diplomatic and had street sense. At the time I was unknowingly a Sensitive or Empath. I was so angry when she said this because it was just one more way of undermining and controlling me by making me doubt and prove myself to her. I had to defend my intelligence to her. Just because someone doesn’t have a college or university degree doesn’t mean they can’t comprehend or understand…or are less capable.

I am and have been certified in a number of areas over the years with energy healing as a Reiki Master, psychology, Life Skills & Group Facilitation, Youth Worker, ayurvedic massages, Co-creative Earth Healing, Ceremonies, Hypnosis. When I told her I graduated in Life Skills she could not see how that could be used to support myself. It was usually followed by “you need to find someone so I they can take care of me.” All I ever heard from my mother was “why don’t you become a lab tech?” I still to this day don’t know if it was her projecting her dream onto me or maybe because my sister didn’t want to do it …therefor I should.

So when we are reminded of memories of the past and there has not been any acknowledgement by your family, you are the scapegoat. They do not see their own issues that need healing. You cannot heal what you do not acknowledge or don’t understand just how this has affected you. I ended up being very rebellious and angry, yet I was the issue after a childhood of gaslighting and other issues.

“Rage is a common characteristic of childhood raised by toxic parents. Abused children have a lot of accumulated rage. You can’t be battered, humiliated, terrified, and denigrated without being angry.

Since a child has no way of releasing all the anger, it gets accumulated, and has to find an outlet in adulthood. Usually in the form of violent behaviour, crime, manipulation (external outlet) headaches, depression, illness (internal outlet)”

~ Dr. Susan Forward

As I heal from the trauma of childhood I realize the importance of speaking my truth and not letting me be shamed into silence. I am the black sheep of my family, and I was a mirror reflecting back to family members of the issues they needed to deal with and still need to deal with. I was violent and have tendencies to be violent, but I understand this so much better. I have calmed down immensely over the years because of support and the healing work I have done…and continue to do. It is also why I had very serious health issues for the past 7 years with adrenal fatigue, and high cortisol, because we are empaths, sensitives, and hold other very special gifts. Being an empath means we take on other people’s baggage, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I am doing better learning how to discharge other people’s negative energy. I struggle a bit with setting boundaries but it’s getting better. My other gifts are finally coming through, as a clairsentient, claircognizant, and a bit clairaudient. I can sense deception from anyone anywhere, especially in the media, with authorities and any other public figure.

As sensitives we MUST do self-care daily or throughout the day. We filter all of the things we come into contact with from others whether it’s in person or not and if we do not clear that energy it can cause serious issues. We need to learn how to gauge the energy around us that others do not see. Most importantly we need to set boundaries with spiritual energy, emotional and physical energy. If you were the target for blame in your family then you need to set boundaries with them…some you may have to cut ties with completely. I recall going to a funeral of a cousin a few years ago and I got to see people who were kind and good to me. But there was one cousin that felt they had the right to state “You were a mouthy thing when you were a kid”. My response (because I was angry/triggered), “I STILL AM !” He walked away and him and his brother didn’t say much to me after that …in fact not one word. Once again I was gaslighted and they didn’t take responsibility for their own behaviour. His big brother was an asshole and constantly teased, mocked, and taunted me as a kid the whole time we visited…he was older by at least 6 years, but I was the problem at 8 years old. That is always the story of being a black sheep, this is why it’s so important to do daily clearing with other people’s emotional baggage or issues.

When we begin this spiritual path there are people both family and friends that we won’t connect to in order to heal and because we are ascending to a higher frequency. Our energies will not be compatible anymore and I am okay knowing I will not be connecting to other family or friends any longer. Healing means we shed layers of issues from the past and that also means people. They will remain living in their illusion until they are ready to do the healing work, if at all. I understand being scared of doing healing work because looking at your own issues and leaving the “old you” can be a very scary thing. I’ve only started acknowledging the issues of being a black sheep this year but have been looking inward at my issues and doing healing work for many years. It’s a process, not a destination that has a marked ending…we evolve and manage. Healing has layers that unfold, and they become known when the time is right…and when you are ready.

We also need to realize that we are only meant to be with certain people for a time in our life. When we fulfill our spiritual contract with them they leave, or you leave. If they don’t acknowledge their part in the healing process then let them go. You cannot continue to accept those who will not acknowledge your pain…or their part in it

Support, acknowledgement, and validation is crucial if we truly want to grow, heal, and change. Without having this you cannot heal, and it is also why empaths have such a difficult time doing self-care. You can choose to take back your power and wear the badge like a shield of honour being a black sheep. If those who are close to you cannot support your healing journey that then you have to consider what is best for you. Value your own worth.

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